Source: Horntip Collection - Half-Mind Hymnal 2011

Lyrics

Parody by Billy C. Wirtz, contributed by Zippy, Pike’s Peak H4 (copyrighted material)

Every day at the Senate you could see him arrive His age and I.Q. were both about sixty-five Narrow in the mind and red in the neck Nobody knew what the hell to expect from Big Jess

Big Jess, biigg Jessss … BIG BAD JESS!

Nobody really knew what made him so mean Some said it might be a lack of sumpin’ in his genes Some speculated that he’d been dropped on his head Or that his family were Bakers and that they were a little inbred Big Jess

The press and the critics all thought it mighty scary That his butt was in D.C. and his mind in Mayberry The press and the critics never bothered him a bit But those hairy-legged feminists nearly made him shit Big Jess

Big Jess, what a mess BIG BAD JESS!

And then came the day in Hilton Head When Jesse went swimmin’ and nearly ended up dead A wave came along and knocked him sprawlin’ And dragged him out to sea screamin’ and ballin’ Big Jess

Jesse figured it was over and the devil was even When along in a rowboat came a fellow named Steven Jesse hollered, “Help me, help me! I’m Senator Jess!” And he said, “You’re getting sunburn and your hair is a mess, Big Jess”

And what happened next has never been explained clearly You might say that Helms began to behave sorta queerly He said, “You got it all wrong, I’m a misunderstood man, And by the way Steven you’ve got a very savage tan.” “Merci, Jess”

Steven threw Jesse a life preserver And Jesse wondered how to explain it to the News and Observer He said “You know Steven you’re a real good pal” And that night they went dancing at the Capitol Corral Big Jess

You can bet the Republicans made a hell of a noise When Jesse admitted, “I’m one of the boys” The folks in the Senate knew he was under the weather When he appeared with pierced nipples and tight black leather Big Jess

Jesse almost lost his life But he got a new friend He didn’t understand it at first But he got it in the end Big Jess

Big Jess, biigg Jessss … BIG BAD JESS!