Lyrics

In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety-Two, A schoolboy from It-aly, Walked the streets of ancient Rome, And jacked off in the alley.

CHORUS: He knew the world was round, oh, He knew it could be found, oh, That mathematical, geographical, Son of a bitch, Columbo.

Colombo went to the Queen of Spain, And asked for ships and cargo, He said he’d kiss the royal ass, If he didn’t bring back Chicago.

Now three slick ships set out to sea, Each one a double-decker, The queen she waved her handkerchief, Colombo waved his pecker.

The sailors on Columbo’s ship, Had each his private knothole, But Columbo was a superman, And used a padded porthole.

Colombo came upon the deck, His cock was like a flagpole, He grabbed the bo’sun by the neck, And shoved it up his asshole.

Columbo had a one-eyed cat, He kept it in the cabin, He rubbed its ass with axle grease, And started in a-jabbin’.

Columbo had a first mate, He loved him like a brother, Every night in the pale moonlight They buggered one another.

For forty days and forty nights, They sailed the broad Atlantic. Columbo and his scurvy crew, For want of a piece were frantic.

They spied a whore upon the shore, And off came shirts and collars, In twenty minutes by the clock, She’d made ten thousand dollars.

With a joyful shout they ran about, And practiced fornication, When they sailed they left behind, Ten times the population.

And when his men pulled out again, To take their homeward trip up, They’d caught the pox from every box, And syphilized all Europe.

Columbo went in haste to the Queen, Because it was his duty, He gave to her a dose of clap, He had no other booty.

So she threw him in a stinking jail, And left him there to grumble, A ball and chain tied to his balls, So ended poor Columbo.