Source: Horntip Collection - Half-Mind Hymnal 2011

Lyrics

This is not all one song, but rather a collection of verses that go to the melody of Dvorak’s Humoresque, collected from several sources, including Zippy, Mu-Sick, and Ed Cray

I love to go out after dark And goose the statues in the park, A lovely pastime at the close of day! Unperturbed they stand so still, While WHOOPS! it’s me that gets the thrill. It really is a lovely way to play.

I’ve noticed lately They stand so stately, Out there in the dark when dew is on the ground. I sometimes tease them And do displease them, If I fail to show up as the sun goes down.

The Thinker is the only one With whom I can have no fun. He sits upon a boulder, rough and coarse. Napoleon sits upon his steed, I cannot goose him, no indeed, And so instead I goose his horse.

Passengers will please refrain From flushing toilets while the train Is standing in the station, I love you. We encourage constipation While the train is in the station, Moonlight always makes me think of you.

If you simply have to go When other people are too slow, There is only one thing you can do. You’ll just have to take a chance, Be brave and do it in your pants, But I’ll forgive you, darling, I love you.

Passengers will please refrain From flushing toilets while the train Is standing in the station, I love you. If you have to pass some water, Kindly call the Pullman Porter. He’ll place a vessel in the vestibule.

If this method is in vain, You may break a window pane. This novel method’s used by very few. Tramps and hobos underneath May catch it in the nose and teeth. And they may bite off more than they can chew.

Mabel, Mabel, strong and able, Get your big ass off the table, Don’t you know the quarter is for beer? You can always earn your pay, But make your tips another way, And I’ll forgive you, darling, I love you!

Ever since you met our Nelly, She’s had trouble with her belly, Wish you’d never seen our little town! Ever since I met your Venus, I’ve had trouble with my penis, Wish I’d never seen your little town.

Was it you who did the pushin’, Put the stains upon the cushion, Footprints on the dashboard upside down? Was it your sly woodpecker That got into my girl Rebecca? If it was, you better leave this town.

It was I who did the pushin’, Put the stains upon the cushion, Footprints on the dashboard upside down. But since I got into your daughter, I’ve had trouble passing water, Now I guess we’re even all around.