OF THE CLANS
Tune: as for "The Ball of Ballyknure," above
Source: Horntip Collection - Half-Mind Hymnal 2011
Lyrics
This version of “The Ball” was passed on to my by Ed Cray, who got it from Abby Sale, who offers the following comments:
“This collation is done by Joe Bethancourt, a professional singer in Arizona and member of Society for Creative Anachronisn (SCA). A large number of the verses are ‘filk,’ created for the SCA meeting and never were sung again elsewhere. Make of that what you will.
“I’ll relate an anecdote relating to [Ed Cray’s assertion that there was a historical Ball of Ballyknure, where there was much rowdy behivior, a precondition of which was that few Scottish ladies wore panties at the time] … .
“A female friend from the Isle of Lewis (a professional folksinger, in fact) told me some tales of her remote village on that remote island. About 1950 came the advent of Pakistani house-to-house peddlers of whatever-you-need. This was a good and welcome service in the area of no local stores, regular deliveries, public transport, or any facility of casual shopping. The peddler, having failed to sell any pots, pans, clothes or anything that trip to my informant’s 72-year old mother, finally tried the latest French panties. Mrs M said no, she didn’t need any. Peddler said well surely you must, these are brand new in the UK. No, she said, don’t need them. Peddler pressed … surely you must need panties. Absolutely not, she laughed, and lifting her long black skirts clear over her her head: ‘See? I never wear them.’”
Oh the Ball, the Ball of Ballyknure Where your wife, and my wife, were doin’ it on the floor!
CHORUS: Wha’ do ya, lassie? And wha’ do y’noo? I’m the man what did y’last, lass, I canna do y’noo!
The Queen was in the parlour, eatin bread and honey The King was in the chambermaid, and she was in the money!
The village idiot he was there, a-sittin’ by the fire Attempting masturbation with an india-rubber tyre!
Oh, the village postman he was there, but he had the Pox He couldna’ do the ladies so he did the letter-box!
The Queen of England she was there, backed against the wall “Put yer money on the table, boys, I’m going ta do you all!”
The Count and Countess, they were there, a-doin’ on the stair The bannister broke, and down they fell, they finished in mid-air!
There was music in the garden, there was music in the sticks You couldna’ hear the music for the swishin’ o’ the pricks!
They were doin’ it on the landing, they were doin’ it on the stairs You couldna’ see the carpet for the wealth of pubic hairs!
The Kingdom Herald, he was there, whattya think o’that? Blazoning positions wi’ a Duchess and a cat!
The fubba-wubbas they were there, sittin’ all alone Complainin of the doin’s with loud and piercing moans!
Mr. Jameison he was there, the one that fought the Boers He jumped up on the table and he shouted for the hoors!
The Board of Directors they were there, and they were shocked to see Four-and-twenty maidenheads a-hangin’ from a tree!
John the Blacksmith he was there, he wouldna play the game He did a lassie seven times, but wouldna see her hame!
The village Constable he was there, now whattya think o’that? Amusin’ himself by abusin’ himself, and catchin’ it in his hat …
It started out so simple-like: each lad and lassie mated But pretty soon the doin’s got so bloody complicated!
Four and twenty virgins came down from Cuinimore Only two got back again, and they were double-bore!
Clan MacChluarain, they were there, sleepin in the shade For no one could decide if they were Man, or Sheep, or Maid!
The village pervert he was there, scratchin’ at his crotch But no one minded him at all, he was only there to watch!
The Kingdom Seneshal was there, linin’ ‘em up in rows He didna use his pecker, lads, he did ‘em with his toes!
The village cripple he was there, but he didna shag too much His old John Thomas had fallen off, so he did ‘em with his crutch!
The old schoolteacher he was there, he diddled by rule-of-thumb Workin’ logarithmicly the times that he would come!
The village chimney-sweep was there, a really filthy brute For every time he farted, he covered ‘em all with soot!
The local Cavaliers were there, in elegance they sat A-doin’ Things Unusual with the feathers in their hat!
The Rapier-fighters they were there, doin’ what they could A-thrustin’ and a-parryin’ with Real Steel, not with wood!
The local Hordesmen they were there, busier than bees The ladies wouldna have ‘em, so they diddled dogs and trees!
The village carpenter he was there, with his prick of wood He made it when he lost his own, and it worked just as good!
The shenai-fighters they were there, all wrapped up in smiles A-doin’ everyone they could in Oriental style!
The College of Heralds they were there, in the other room Arguin’ about who would do what, with which, to whom!
The rattan-jocks were out in force and they were such a sight They didna do the ladies ‘cause they’d heard there was a fight!
The old fishmonger he was there, a dirty stinkin sod He never got a rise that night, so he diddled ‘em with a cod!
The Kingdom Laurels they were there, and quite a sight to see A-doin’ everyone they could, and most artisticly!
The Kingdom Pelicans were there, doin’ it with a sob They diddled out of duty; it was just another job!
Four and twenty virgins went down to Inverness And when the Ball was over, there were four and twenty less!
There was doin’s on the porches, and doin’s on the stones You couldna’ hear the music for the loud and joyful moans!
(insert name) he was there, covered up with smiles Doin’ thirty-two at once, and in amazing style!
All the Kingdom spodes were there, but they just sat and sulked For this was the occasion that no one told them “Get fulked!”
Clan MacChluarain they were there, chasin’ round the Keep And every single man of them buggerin’ a sheep!
(insert name) had a gerbil, he diddled it very well He didn’t wrap it in duct tape: he blew it all to hell!
(insert name) he was there, with his favourite toys: A dozen beautiful women, and a dozen beautiful boys!
(insert name) he was there; he wasn’t very nice He didna do the ladies, he did gerbils, rats and mice!
(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat, Takin’ on all comers, and she hasn’t finished yet!
(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat, The Dark Horde carried her away, and we ain’t found her yet!
The Locksley Monsters they were there, lookin’ for some nookie But they got distracted by a chocolate chippie cookie!
(insert name) he was there, a crafty friend of Ghengis, He speaks a lot of languages; he is a cunning linguist!
The village Masochist, he was there, beggin’ for some blows The Sadist merely looked at him, and softly answered “No!”
Yang the Nauseating was sittin’ out in back The ladies did na’ want him for he smelled too much of yak!
The village druggist he was there, grinnin’ like a fox He’d sold out of condoms, so he sold ‘em dirty socks!
Buell the Kind was also there, that beggar meek and mild, He didna’ do the ladies, he had brought his favourite child!
(insert name) he was there at the revel feast He doesn’t like the girls, and the boys call him “The Beast!”
And in the morning, early, the Farmer nearly shat For four and twenty acres was nearly fuckit flat!
It was a grand old party, lads, and sure a Locksley Plot And every lad and lassie there was glad of what they got!
And when the Ball was over, everyone confessed The music it was wonderful, but the “doin’s” were the best!
Following are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses, to “The Ball of Ballyknure”:
ALTERNATE CHORUS: Singin’ balls to your partner Arse agin’ th’ wall! If y’canna’ get laid on Saturday nicht You canna’ get laid at all!
The Minister’s wife, she was there, buckled tae th’ front Wi’ a wreath of roses round her arse, and thistles round her cunt!
The Minister’s dochter, she was there, an’ she gat roarin’ fu’ Sae they doubled her ower the midden wa’ and did her like a coo!
The undertaker he was there, in a long black shroud Swinging from the chandelier, and pissing on the crowd!
(insert name) was there, as well, she kept us all in fits Jumping off the mantlepiece, and bouncing on her tits!
The village cooper he was there; he had a mighty tool! He pulled his foreskin over his head, and yodeled thru the hole!
The local vicar, he was there, his collar back to front He said, “My girls, thy sins are blessed!” and shoved it up their cunts!
The local surgeon, he was there, with his knife in hand, And every time he turned around, he circumsized a man!
The village idiot he was there, up to his favorite trick: Bouncin’ on his testicles and whistlin’ thru his prick!
The village fireman was there, quenchin’ lassie’s fires He diddled ‘em in the firetruck, right beside the tires!
(insert name) was also there, standing back-to-front, With thirteen inches of candlestick inserted in her cunt!
The village nympho, she was there, wi’ a happy grin Every hole was stuffit fu’, and she was fu’ o’ quim!
The village glazier he was there, with his prick of glass He diddled ‘em in their cunnys, and also in the ass!
One female musician was some sight to watch With “Dowland” from her lute, and “Palestrina” from her crotch!
There was doin’s in the bedrooms, there was doin’s in the tub ‘Till every single pecker there was worn down to a nub!
The bride was in the bedroom, explainin’ to the groom: The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb!
The King was in the counting house, counting out his wealth; The Queen was in the parlor, playin’ with herself!
(insert name) he was there, his balls was made of brass And when he blew a fart, m’lads, sparks flew out his ass!
The tailor was a busy man; his work went to his head Sewing up the stretched-out cunts with miles and miles of thread!
The Elder Statesmen all were there; they were too old to firk, So they sat around the table and they had a circle-jerk!
(insert name) was excited and racin’ round the hall A-pullin’ on his pecker and showin’ off his balls!
The Parson’s wife, she was there; she was the worst of all: She pulled her skirts above her head and shouted: “Fuck it all!”
(insert name) he was there; he played a wily game: He did his lassie fourteen times before he finally came!
(name) and (name) they were there, and they were quite a pair, Each did a lassie seven times, and never touched the hair!
(insert name) he was there, up to his old trick: Dancin’ naked ‘round the room, pirouettin’ on his prick!
(insert name) he was there, but he wouldna’ dance, Just sat there with his ten-inch rise, a-waitin’ for his chance!
(insert name) he was there; he was the perfect fool: He sat beneath the old oak tree, and whittled off his tool!
(insert name) he was there, up from Dungaree With a yard-and-a-half of Glory, that hung below his knee!
The Queen, she had a chicken, the King he had a duck, So they put them on the table to see if they would fight!
The cows were wearin’ bridles, the horses wearin’ bits The Queen she wore two harness-rings thru the nipples of her tits!
(insert name) he was there, grinnin’ at the Queen He’d built himself a dildo, and powered it by steam!
(insert name) he was there, that rowdy rantin’ bloke Masturbatin’ all by himself with a backhand double stroke!
The Royal Fool was also there, sittin’ in the hall, Tryin’ to do a mongoose with an india-rubber ball!
(insert name) he was there, that egocentric elf, The ladies were na’ guid enough, so he went and fucked himself!
(insert name) she was there, and she was very strange: You stick a dollar in her cunt, she’d spit back 10 cents change!
(insert name) he was there, but he was fast asleep The ladies wouldna have him, and we’d run clean out of sheep!
Alternate CHORUS: Singin’ who hae ye, lassie? Who hae ye noo? The ane that had ye last time He canna hae ye noo!
(insert name) he was there, big and strong and mean, Out behind the bushes, boys, picking his next Queen!
They tried it on the garden path, and once around the park, And when the candles snotted out, they diddled in the dark!
First they did it simple, then they tried it he’s and she’s, But before the ball was over, they went at it fives and threes!
The groom was in the corner, oiling up his tool, The bride was in the icebox, her private parts to cool!
(insert name) (s)he was there, backed against the wall, (s)he didn’t want the doin’s, just a lot of alcohol!
First lady over, second lady front, Third lady’s finger up the fourth lady’s cunt!
Fifth lady worn and dry, sixth lady passed, Seventh lady’s finger up the eighth lady’s ass!
Ninth lady forward, tenth lady back, Eleventh lady’s finger in the twelfth lady’s crack!
(insert name) he was there, givin’ happy sighs! His rise had used up so much skin he couldna close his eyes!
A strapping Scotsman he was there, known to all as “Ronald” His rise it weighed a quarter-pound…he must be a MacDonald!
Bunny Foo-foo he was there, hoppin’ thru the wood, Doin’ the Good Fairy like a horny rabbit should!
Big Goon Foo-Foo, he was there, stomping thru the weeds Buggering the Good Fairy ( his attitudes have NEEDS! )
Monty Python, they were there, with their ferocious MOOSE, “The bloody parrot’s bloomin’ DEAD; ‘e canna reproduce!”
(insert name), that randy wench, she was also there, And thirty men were suckit dry before she stopped for air!
(name) and (name) they were there, havin’ themselves a ball, She hiccuped as he took her, and she swallowed him, shoes and all!
The Kingdom Marshal, he was there, full of botheration, For nobody signed a waiver for the evening’s fornication!
(insert name) she was there, and she was lookin’ pert, With six or seven Cavaliers underneath her skirt!
(insert name) was also there, with his feather-bed, And on the bedposts he had marked his score of maidenheads!
Santa Claus was also there, and very drunk, I fear, You’d be drunk there with him if you came just once a year!
(insert name) he was there, and he was smooth and slick, Tallyin’ up his score that night by notches on his prick!
The village dwarf was also there, that randy little runt, He’d dive upon a lassie, headfirst in her cunt!
(insert name) she was there, the fattest of the lot, So they rolled her up in flour, and looked for the wettest spot!
(insert name) (s)he was there, hid behind a mask, God knows what (s)he was doin’, lads, we didna stop to ask!
(insert name) was also there, (s)he was a sight to see, They bent him (her) o’er the table, and the rest was Greek to me!
James the First and Sixth was there, a sight you should have seen, He was the King of England but preferred to be the Queen!
(insert name) he was there, but he was runnin’ late, Askin’ round from man to man just how to copulate!
(insert name) was also there, but he was fast asleep, Cuddled up, with a happy grin, beside his rubber sheep!
The (insert name) all were there, that’s what I presume, They buggered themselves into a chain, and danced around the room!
(insert name) she was there, and she was wondrous wise, With “USDA Grade A Choice”, tattooed on her thighs!
(insert name) he was there, sittin’ on a stump, Masturbation was his choice; he didn’t know how to hump!
(insert name) was also there, doin’ his famous stunt: Braidin’ all the pubic hair on every single cunt!
Anne Bolyn was also there, even tho she’s dead, She’s terrific on her back, me boys, but better giving head!
Cyrano de Bergerac, dressed in fancy clothes, He wouldna use his pecker, lads, he did ‘em with his nose!
Pinocchio was also there, and quite a sight to see, The ladies sat upon his face and shouted “Lie to me!”
Cyrano de Bergerac diddled, with a poem, And ended his refrain with the words: “Thrust home!”
(insert name) was also there, and he was lookin’ cute, He didna use his pecker, lads, he did ‘em with his lute!
ALTERNATE CHORUS: Singin’ balls to your partner, Arse against the wall! If you can’t get laid at Pennsic (Estrella) Then you can’t get laid at all!
Good King (insert name) he was there, looking very regal; He wrapped his pecker in duct-tape to make it combat-legal!
(insert name) she was there, lookin’ woebegone, ‘Cause when you spread her legs, me boys, a little light comes on!
(insert name) (s)he was there, havin’ quite a ball! Shoutin’ out “When I am (King/Queen), I’m gonna screw you all!”
All the (insert name) they were there, scratchin’ at their jocks, Doin’ things like parakeets, and unsuspecting rocks!
(insert name) was sitting there, filled up with remorse, He’d got a little drunk that night, and did his lady’s horse!
(insert name) was also there, with his brand-new bride, But when he opened up her legs, his pet canary died!
(insert name) he was there, he canna see at all, So he satisfied his urgin’s at a knothole in the wall!
(insert name) he was there, his brain is in his cock, He dragged his lady off by the heels, and filled her up with rocks!
(insert name) he was there, feelin’ full of oats: He diddled his lady from Land’s End all the way to John O’Groats!
Elanor of Aquitane was dancin’ round the room, She didn’t like the Lily, so she took up with the Broom!
Elanor of Aquitane was very, very nice … She didn’t like French Culture, so she tried the English Vice!
Everybody heard about the Ball of Ballyknure, With four-and-twenty Countesses, a-fuckin’ on the floor!
The King of (insert name), worked up a head of steam, And all the Duchesses in sight yelled out “God save the Queen!”
Good old (insert name) he was there, takin’ up the slack, Separatin’ the men from boys with a chromium bumper jack!
(insert name) was also there, and he is Very Pure; We think he has a pecker, lads, though no one’s very sure!
(insert name) was also there, and she was very shocked, When she heard a shepherd boy yell “Lady, go get flocked!”
All the lads and lasses there were mated, ones-and-twos, Except for good old (insert name) who came inside his shoes!
There was doin’s in the hallway, doin’s on the stairs, It was the biggest doin’ there had been for years and years!
There was doin’s in the roses, in the grass and in the rocks, When (insert name) caught his sporran in some giant hollyhocks!
It looked sae funny hangin’ there, that everybody jeered, They’d never seen a hollyhock that ever wore a beard…!
Guid old Jock McNorris took his partner by the arm, And grinned, and said “Another ‘do’ won’t do us any harm!”
They were doin’ it in the garden, they were doin’ it all around, There were folks a-doin’ on every inch of ground!
(insert name) he was there, sittin’ on his tush, He never made it to the point, just “beat around the bush…!”
William of the Shire was there, he wasna’ in the race, He wouldna’ use his pecker, so he did ‘em with his mace!
There were lassies with the syphllis, and lassies wi’ the piles, And lassies wi’ their hinder parts all wreathed up in smiles!
The village magician he was there, doin’ his vanishin’ trick: He pulled his foreskin over his head, and vanished in his prick!
There were doin’s in the gravel, there were doin’s in the stones You couldna’ hear the music for the wheezin’ and the groans!
There was doin’s on the sofa, there was doin’s in the chair, And when they found the trampoline, there was doin’s in the air!
Soon all the Duchesses began to sing this song And it was twice as dirty, and fourteen times as long!
The Sheriff of the Shire in the corner he did stand, Giving his Staff of Office a polishin’ with his hand.
The village blacksmith he was there, but he was not for hire: He was making giant rubbers out of a tractor tire!
The village baker he was there, and looking pretty mean; A-shouting that the girls were tarts, and pumping them full of cream!
The village blacksmith he was there, his balls were made of brass, And every time he laid a girl the sparks flew out his ass!
The village hooker she was there, a-lying on the floor, And every time she ope’d her legs, the suction closed the door!
Little Johnny he was there, but he was only eight; He couldn’t go join in the fun, he had to masturbate!
The blacksmith’s wife she was there, a-sitting by the fire, Performin’ abortions by the hour with a piece of red hot wire!
(insert name), she was there, that wicked little slut! Performin’ things unspeakable wi’ a North Sea halibut!
(insert name) was also there, a-playin’ fast and loose; Rompin’ ‘round the barley fields with Marvin de la Moose!
(insert name), she was there, a lady quite perverse; She’d worn out all the peckers so she went from bed to wurst!
(insert name), she was there, and she is past eighteen; She is a rapier fighter, so she diddled Florentine!
(insert name) he was there, all filled up with lust, He’d had so many lassies that his pecker just shot dust!
The Musketeers were also there, and they were fast and quick, You should have seen their doin’s with their muzzle-loading prick!
(insert name), he was there, but he had run amuck He diddled geese and chickens and a passing Mallard duck!
(insert name) he was there, with his sharp Chibouk, While nobody was watchin’ him, he diddled him a Duke!
(insert name) he was there, and he is most discreet Underneath the bedsheets wi’ his favorite parakeet!
A Corsair captain he was there, he shouted out “Ahoy!” We’d run clean out of lassies so he did his cabin-boy!
Stick your hand beneath my kilt; I’m a gruesome troubador! And if you stick it there again, you’ll see it grew some more!
All the Peers were also there, and they refused to work, So they sat around in Circles, and they had a Circle-jerk!
“What the hell’s a ‘sporran’?” the lassie loudly begged; She was answered: “It’s the hairy thing between a Scotsman’s legs!”
(insert Irish name) he was there, doin’ dogs and such, You can always tell an Irishman, but y’canna tell him much!
(insert name) was also there, he is an awful churl He poked a hole into the ground, and diddled the whole world!
(insert name) was at the Ball, he’s really quite bizarre, We locked him in the closet while he diddled his guitar!
The village policeman he was there, the pride of all the force They found him in the stable, whacking off his horse!
There were doin’s in the parlor, there was doin’s in the grass And all that you could see were waves of undulating ass!
(insert name) he was there, and he was long and high, But when he did her forty times, he was doin’ mighty dry!
(insert name) he was there, his prick was long and broad But when he did the Duchess, well, she had to be re-bored!
(insert name) had an even stroke, his skill was much admired He diddled one cunt at a time until his skill expired…!
The village builder he was there, he brought his bag of tricks He poured cement in all the cunts and blunted all the pricks!
(insert name) he was there, the leader of the choir, He hit the balls of all the boys to make their voices higher
Another idiot, he was there, leanin’ on the gate He couldn’a find a cunny, so he had to flatulate!
The village doctor he was there, he had his bag of tricks And in between the dances he was sterilizing pricks!
(insert name) he was there, a-lookin’ for a fuck But all the cunts were occupied, and he was out of luck!
The Vicar and his lovely wife were havin’ lots of fun: The Vicar had his finger up another lady’s bum!
There was fuckin’ on the couches, and doin’s in the punts And linin’ up against the wall were rows of grinnin’ cunts!
(insert name) he played a dirty trick, we canna let it pass He showed his lass his mighty prick, and shoved it up her ass!
The village plumber he was there, he felt an awful fool; He’d come eleven leagues or more and forgot to bring his tool!
The smithy’s brother he was there, a mighty man is he; He lined them up against the wall, and shagged ‘em three by three!
There was doin’s on the highway, there was doin’s in the lanes, You couldn’a here the music for the rattlin’ of the stanes!
There was doin’s on the couches, there was doin’s on the cots, And linin’ up against the wall were rows of drooling twats!
(insert name) he was there, drunk beyond a doot, He tried to stuff the Parson’s wife, but couldna’ get the root!
(insert name) he was there and he was in despair, He couldna’ get his pecker thru the tangled pubic hair!
(insert name) did his doin’s right upon the moor, It was, he thought, much better than doin’ on the floor!
(insert name) he was there, his prick was all alert But when only half the night was done, t’was danglin’ in the dirt!
The doctor’s daughter, she was there, she went to gather sticks She couldna’ find a blade of grass for cunts and standing pricks!
ALTERNATE CHORUS: Singin’ who did ye last, lass, Who’s doin’ ye noo, The one tha’ did ye last, lassie Canna do ye noo.
The village blacksmith he was there, roarin’ like a lion, He’d cut his prick off at the forge, so he used a red-hot iron!
The Mayor of the village, was doin’ by the rule; Partin’ all the pubic hairs and wadin’ thru the drool!
Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean, So she did the Fubba-Wubbas, while he diddled a Marine.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With pussy fair, and pubic hair, and peckers in a row!
There was doin’s in the kitchen, there was doin’s in the halls You couldna hear the music for the clangin’ of the balls!
The Parson’s daughter, she was there, the cunning little runt, With poison ivy up her ass, and thistles up her cunt!
(insert name) was also there, this I must confess: Buggerin’ at the Parson’s cat; it’s “pussy” none the less!
(insert name) he was there, a pervert all his life; He didna do the lassies … he only did his wife!
I have a little pussy, her coat it is so warm, And if she douches regular, she won’t do me no harm!
Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water; They spent the day a-diddlin’, doin’ things they shouldn’t oughter!
Ivan the Terrible he was there, that filthy Russian cad, The Boyars called him “Terrible,” the ladies said “Not bad!”
(insert Arabic name) he was there, in his white burnoose, He sat down at the table and he called for “Cunt au jus!”
I’m a pain-in-the-ass, me boys, for singin’ this awful song, But if I’m a pain-in-the-ass, me lass, I’m doin’ you all wrong!
The village economist, he was there, his slide rule in his hand, Figuring out exactly when supply would meet demand.
Henry the Fifth, he was there, and this is what he said: “Once more out of your breeks, my friends, and give me English head!”
The KaKhan of the Horde was there, and he is very smelly; “First you rape, and then you burn; that’s how to be rake-helly!”
Ghengis Khan he was there, and he was such a fright! “First you burn, and THEN you rape; ‘tis best by firelight!”
(insert name) he was there, and he is big and hairy; He spent the evening with a will, pluckin’ virgin cherries!
The Parson’s wife was there that night, sittin’ by the fire, Knittin’ prophalactics with a rubber wire.
(insert name) was at the Ball, lookin’ pretty grumpy; His pecker isn’t very long…the ladies call him “Stumpy!”
(insert name) was at the Ball, for this he is renowned: His pecker is so very long, it drags along the ground!
(insert name) (s)he was there, and lookin’ pretty foul, Doin’ seven horses, two chinchillas, and an owl!
The King is the biggest prick you’ve ever seen; We may cry “God save the King,” but, Lords, God save the Queen!
My Lady went to London, my Lady went to France, My Lady goes to Fredrick’s to buy her underpants!
My Lady’s very beautiful, and this is what she wears: Jewelry, and fancy gowns, but NEVER underwear!
(insert name) she was there, lyin’ in the grass, With “Property of (insert household name)” tatooed on her ass!
(insert name) he was there; we did a double-take, When we saw him gettin’ sexual with a shovel and a rake!
The yurt was getting noisy, the yurt was getting loud; It was a Mongolian Cluster Fuck, and drawing quite a crowd!
The Old Professor, he was there, sittin’ on a shelf, Demonstratin’ to all concerned how Man Makes Himself!
Dracula was also there, dressed up in his cape, Explainin’ to Van Helsing that “It vasn’t really rape!”
The Computer Nerd he was there, his life was mighty rough, Complainin’ that the wet-ware wasn’t wet enough!
And now, here are some childrens’ verses from Smoking Wiener …
Mother Goose, she was there, reading children books, And every time she flashed the kids, you should have seen the looks.
Humpty Dumpty he was there, sitting on the wall, Wouldn’t come down to get him some, he didn’t have the balls.
Old Mother Hubbard she was there, with her best friend Rover, When she bent over, Rover took over, and she got some bone of her own.
Little Bo-Peep she was there, tending to her flock, You could have heard a pin drop, when she removed her lacy frock.
Jack Sprat he was there, looking mighty thin, And every time he frigged his wife, He nearly did fall in.
Jack Sprat’s wife she was there, eating all she could, When she found Pinnochio, she chomped down on his wood.
Little Miss Muffet she was there, eating her curds and whey, Said the spider who sat down beside her, I’m looking to have my way.
Nimble Jack he was there, tired of candle sticks, He was jumping on the little boys, and landing on their pricks.
Pinnochio he was there, sporting morning wood, Giving splinters to all the girls, just because he could.
Jimminy Cricket he was there, whispering in their ear, The girls ignored his advice, and the boys all thought him queer.
Little Boy Blue he was there, his rod was red with fire, Bo-Peep claimed to be a virgin, but she was just a liar.
The cat with the fiddle he was there, playing a fine tune, The little dog laughed as he licked himself, while cumming on the spoon.
Three men in a tub they were there, floating in the bay, The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick maker, it seems they are quite gay.
Wee Willie Winkie he was there, running through the town, Wearing next to nothing, but a lacy little gown.
Hansel and Gretel they were there, getting on really hot, While they were busy playing, the witch tossed them in the pot.
The Big Bad Wolf he was there, cum dripping from his chin, He came across the hunter, and then went down on him.
Little Red Riding Hood she was there, carrying a little basket, Had her way with the wolf, now he’s in a casket.
Rapunzel she was there, with long and flowing tresses, She played with all the little boys, and made them wear her dresses.
Rumpelstilskin he was there, sleeping under a tree, A little doggy found him there, and filled his mouth with pee.
Johnny Appleseed he was there, riding on his steed, Tempting the girls with apples, then filling them with his seed.
Babe the Blue Ox he was there, he really was quite hung, There only was one problem, he filled the place with dung.
Paul Bunyan he was there, hands so big and strong, And if that don’t impress you much, take a gander at his dong.
Sleeping Beauty she was there, laying on her back, When the Seven Dwarfs arrived, each one tried out her crack.
Snow White she was there, riding in her carriage, But now that she’s had her horses, she’ll never consider marriage.
Cinderella she was there, covered in ash and soot, Said “If I ever tire of my hand, I’ll please myself with my foot!”
The Tooth Fairy she was there, holding a silver dollar, Pulled their teeth out of their mouths, just to hear them holler.
Farmer Jack he was there, beanstalk in his hand, Amusing himself, abusing himself, playing with his gland.
The Little Mermaid she was there, smelling just like fish, The little lobster took a chance, and found her quite a dish.
The Pied Piper he was there, playing his pipe so shrill, When he placed it ‘tween Mary’s legs, she really got a thrill.
Little Mary she was there, on her way to school, ‘Twas the little lamb by her side, that made the farm boys drool.
Goldie Locks she was there, trying everything in sight, And when she saw what Papa Bear had, she decided to spend the night.
The Ugly Duckling he was there, much squawking did he make, While going down on Mother Goose, to make her insides quake.
The Magic Genie he was there, appearing from his lamp, He pleaded with the damsel, to let him make her damp.
Beauty and the Beast were there, she was tugging on his mane, Pulling him inside her, and crying from the strain.
The Mouse and Lion they were there, the lion cried in pain, Roared the lion to the mouse, please hit me there again.
The Princess she was there, a dozen mattresses on a pea, “I just can’t get to sleep” she said, “without a man inside of me.”
The Emperor he was there, sporting his new suit, The little girls a giggle, they found his pecker cute.
The Prince and Pauper they were there, exchanging all their clothes, But the Pauper drew the line, at wearing the Prince’s hose.
Little Jack Horner he was there, licking on his thumbl Thinking it might taste better, if he stuck in up his bum.
Mary, Mary she was there, she made all good things grow, When she warmed your mighty cockles, with a tawdry little show.
The First Little Pig he was there, he’d built his house quite frail, And when the Bad Wolf came to town, he snagged some curly tail.
The Second Little Pig he was there, he built his house of stick, And when the Bad Wolf came to town, the piglet sucked his dick.
The Third Little Pig he was there, his house was made of brick, And when the Bad Wolf came to town, he had no pig to prick.
The Big Bad Wolf he was there, his face it was aglow, He’d huffed and pufffed upon himself, his load he could not blow.
The Dalmatians they were there, frolicking on the grass, One, he wasn’t normal, and took the others up the ass.