Source: Horntip Collection - Half-Mind Hymnal 2011

Lyrics

This is performed in the same manner as the Limericks, with spoken verses and singing chorus, verses alternating around the circle

CHORUS: Poetry, poetry, How do you like my poetry? Not as mellow as Longfellow, But it’s poetry.

Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. It followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day, It followed her to school one day, And a big black dog fucked it!

Mary had a little sheep, And with the sheep she went to sleep, The sheep turned out to be a ram, And Mary had a little lamb.

When Mary had a little lamb, The doctor was surprised. But when Old MacDonald had a farm, The doctor nearly died.

Mary had a little ram, He had a stunning prick, She much preferred his services Which made the boys feel sick. Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead. Now Mary takes the lamb to school, Between two hunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb, And it was always gruntin’. She tied it to a five-bar gate, And kicked its little cunt in.

Mary had a little skirt, Split right up the side, And every time that Mary moved, You saw right up her thighs. Mary had another skirt, Split right up the front … But she didn’t wear it very often.

Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. Now Mary found the price of meat too high, Which really didn’t please her. Tonight she’s having leg of lamb, The rest is in the freezer.

Mary had a little lamb, She tied it to a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its ass, And turned its wool to nylon.

Mary had a little watch, She kept it in her garter. And when the boys asked her the time, She knew what they were after.

Mary had a little lamb, You’ve heard this tale before; But did you know she passed her plate, And had a little more!

Mary had a little lamb, She kept in her yard. Every time she took her panties off, His little wooly dick got hard.

Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was black as charcoal. Every time it jumped the fence, You could see its little arsehole.

Mary had a little lamb, The doctors were astounded. Everywhere that Mary went, Gynecologists surrounded.

Mary had a little lamb, A little roast, a little jam. An ice-cream soda topped with fizz, Boy, how sick our Mary is.

Mary had a little lamb, She couldn’t stop it crying; So she kicked it in the ass one day, And sent it fucking flying.

Mary had a little lamb, Forever it was gluing. Making models of its friends, In strange positions, screwing.

Mary had a little lamb, It used to chew her slippers; So Mary chopped off all it’s legs, With a pair of clippers.

Mary had a little lamb, It didn’t have a willy. Mary made a big mistake, In calling this lamb Billy.

Mary had a little lamb, She knew just what to do; She gave it paper and a pen, Upon which it then drew, A picture of a pussy cat And said “Look, this is mine.” And Mary said “Fuck me, a talking sheep!”

Mary had a little lamb, That had a little tail. Until she caught it smoking dope, And locked it in the jail

Mary had a little lamb, With carrots and with peas. A little mint sauce on the top, And stuffing in its knees.

Mary had a little lamb, She liked to stroke it’s head. Until one day she found her husband Fucking it in her bed.

Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb didn’t, because Mary was cunt.

Mary had a little lamb, It’s fleece was sodden red; The reason for it was you see, It had a pick-axe through its head.

When Mary had a little lamb, It created some division; It was not what she’d expected, And shocked the obstetrician.

Mary had a little lamb, A giraffe and zebra too, By the time she’d finished, She’d fucked the whole damn zoo.

Mary had a little lamb And now I’ve had enough Of this stupid girl called Mary And her wooly bit of muff.

Mary had a little twat, Its hair was brown and curly, Its hole was wet and smelled of fish, Oh what a lucky girly.

Mary had a little dog, I think it was a poodle, It liked to lick her fanny clean Then shaft her with its doodle.

Mary had another dog, This one was a Yorkie, First she made it shag and wag, And then she took it walkies.

Hey diddle diddle, The cat did a piddle, The cow had a bad dose of clap. The little dog licked, Its balls and its prick, And then had a bloody good crap.

The walrus is a lucky beast, The females like his prongs, He fucks two with his mighty tusks, And a third one with his dong.

Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner, Fingering his sister Mary. He stuck in his thumb, And pulled out a plum, And said, “Ain’t it supposed to be a cherry?”

Little Boy Blue … Because he needed the money.

Little Miss Muffet, Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, Who sat down beside her, And said, “What’s in the bowl, bitch?”

Little Miss Muffet, Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey. Along came another spider, And crawled up inside her, So she crushed it to death with her spoon.

Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard, To get her poor dog a bone. But when old Mother bent over, Rover he drove her, ‘cause He had a bone of his own.

Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard, To get her poor daughter a dress. When she got there the cupboard was bare, And so was her daughter, I guess.

There once was an old lady, Who lived in a shoe, She had so many kids that her Cunt could stretch over a trash can.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, She said, “With my pension, that’s all I can do. It may be substandard, but just down the block, I know an old lady who lives in a sock.”

Jack and Jill went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water, Jill came down with half a crown, But not for fetching water.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, On an elephant. Jill got down and helped Jack off the elephant.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, For just an itty bitty. Jill’s now two months overdue, And Jack has left the city.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, Each with a quarter. Jill came down with fifty cents; Do you think they went for water?

Jack and Jill went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water. Silly Jill forgot the pill, And now they have a daughter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down on top of Jill, And now they have another daughter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, To have a little fun. Stupid Jill! Forgot that pill! So now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, With a keg of brandy. Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed, Now it’s Jack, Jill and Andy

Jack and Jill went up the hill, To smoke a little leaf. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, And Jill said, “Where’s the beef!”

Jack and Jill went up the hill, And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass And now two of his front teeth are missing.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, Both carrying a bucket. When Jill bent down, her ass was round, And Jack decided to fuck it.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, For a bit of hanky panky. Jill came back with a very sore crack, Jack must have been a Yankee

Jack and Jill went up the hill, Each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two-fifty, The fuckin’ whore!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, All the king’s horses, and all the king’s men, Had one fucking big omelette.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped over the candlestick, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jackie boy he singed his prick.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, But Jill preferred the candlestick!

Little Willie, full of glee, Put radium in grandma’s tea. Now he thinks it quite a lark, To see her shining in the dark.

Little Willie, with a thirst for gore, Nailed his mommy’s baby to the door. Mother said with humor quaint, Willie dear, don’t spoil the paint.

Little Willie, Brand new skates. Hole in ice, Pearly gates.

The birds may kiss the bees goodbye, The buttercup … the butterfly. The morning dew may kiss the grass, And you, my friend, may kiss my ass.

Oh give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play. Where seldom is heard, A discouraging word, After all, just what can antelope say?

Roses are violet, Reds are blue. I’m a dyslexic, And stuff too you.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme, But this one doesn’t.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. I’m a schizophrenic, And so am I.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. I’m amnesiac, And …

Roses are red, Violets are blue. That’s what they tell me, Because I’m blind.

Roses are red, Violets are for plucking. Girls out of high school, Are ready for college.

Roses are straight, Violets are twisted, Bend over, love, You’re about to get fisted.

Roses are crap, Violets are wanky, Oooh! I’ve just cum, Pass me a hanky.

Roses are stupid, Violets are silly, Grease up your flaps, Cause here comes my willy.

Roses are awful, Violets are the pits, Lift up your shirt, And show me your tits.

Roses make me laugh, Violets make me titter, You’re a dirty bitch, And you love it up the shitter.

Roses are red, When in reality, Sleeping with girls, Can’t beat bestiality.

Roses are red, But I like carnations, You’re crap in bed, So I shagged your Alsatian.

Roses are red, It’s all elementary, Let’s ring up a friend, And try double entry.

(the following verses were contributed by TAF, Belgium Manneke Piss HHH)

Betty and Jack, up a tree F-U-C-K-I-N-G First cums betty then cums jack Then cums the goo out of bettys crack

Georgie porgie , pudding and pie Jerked off in his girlfriends eye When her eye was dry and shut Georgie fucked that one eyed slut

My friend Billy, Had a ten foot willy, He showed it to the girl next door. She thought it was a snake, And hit it with a rake, And now it’s only two foot four.

Christ, I am coming, My cunt is getting hot, Please put your willy, In an old girl’s twat, If you haven’t got a willy, A forefinger will do, If you haven’t any fingers, Then God Bless You.

Old king cole was a merry old soul And a merry old soul was he He chewed off his tit , ate his own shit And washed it down with some tea

Hickory dickory dock Some chick was sucking my cock The clock struck two , i dropped my goo I dumped the bitch on the next block

Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with two-fifty That fucking whore

Mary, Mary ,quite contrary, Trim that pussy its so damn hairy

Jack sprat could eat no fat his wife could eat no lean So jack ignored those flabby tits and licked her asshole clean

Rock a bye baby on the tree top Your mother’s a whore I ain’t your pop

Peter Peter pumpkin eater Had a wife , loved to beat her Smacked her twice across the head Fucked her ass and went to bed

Eenie meenie miney moe Suck my dick and swallow slow

There was and old lady lived in a shoe She had so many kids her uterus fell out

Patty cake patty cake bakers man If your chick’s on her period fuck her in the can

Mary had a little lamb She kept in her back yard When she took her panties off His little dick got hard

Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle The cow jumped over the moon Thats more than my wife does The fat , fuckin smelly baboon

Doe a deer, a female deer Ray, the guy that fucked her ass

Roses are red violets are blue I fucked your mothers ass And she had you.

MAN POEM

Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don’t shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don’t wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t go through a phase every 28 days Man, I’m glad I’m a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don’t take along friends when I go to the john I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail I don’t buy a lot of shoes just because they’re on sale I don’t apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don’t think of Bambi when I’m out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don’t ask my friends about the size of my ass Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I’m glad I’m a man Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I’d never leave the house I don’t spend two hours getting ready for a date I don’t play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot’s always dry I don’t read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don’t mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t take a pill, I don’t use Massengill Man, I’m glad I’m a man Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin’ Man, I’m glad I’m a man

RAMJI ARUP GUPTA RAGOUT by Flying Booger in Memory of Shel Silverstein

Ramji Arup Gupta Ragout Will not clean his bathroom out. It will not do to protest or shout, If you have to go you hold your snout.

The floor is covered in pubic hair, Sheets of TP lay about here and there, The occasional toenail lends added flair, And far-flung boogers stick everywhere.

The walls are stained with I-don’t-know-what, But I’m pretty sure it isn’t just snot, For some odd reason a sock in a knot, Wedges under the door, where it is caught.

And the sink - it’ll fail any health code, Supported by a damp, rotting commode, The porcelain’s green and yellow with mold, To touch that faucet you’d have to be bold.

Stinking hash socks overflow the hamper, With jock straps and shorts that are even damper, The smell of the laundry gets ranker and ranker, It’s so bad it’d make a skunk scamper.

What, open the window and let out the smell? You wanna make the whole neighborhood ill? Nauseous and queasy and green in the gill? These noxious odors have the power to kill.

Let’s don’t even consider the tub, I’d rather take dirt to my skin and then rub, Something grows out of the drain like a shrub, Forget it, I’d sooner go through life as a grub.

The towel rack now serves to support underwear, Brown-stained briefs greet your astonished stare, As if to say, “Whatever you think, I don’t care, My personal hygiene is my own affair.”

A roach on the toothbrush, now that’s a nice touch, But the rat in the cabinet’s a bit too much, A year’s worth of Hustler is stacked on the hutch, With matches, butts, candy wrappers, and such.

Now we come to the toilet - Dear God! how vile, It only gets flushed once in a while. When Ramji Ragout deposits his pile, The fetor is known to stun dogs at a mile.

And the tile’s all greasy, gross, and grotty, Slimy and scummy and scrungy and spotty, Never was there a bathroom so naughty, It really is a disgusting old potty.

If ever there were a privy or jakes, That ought to be bombed, for Christ’s loving sakes, Ramji’s shitter here, it’s got what it takes, Let’s break it up into little dirt cakes.

How did this state of affairs come about? Well, as for that, there can be no doubt: It’s simple - Ramji Arup Gupta Ragout Will not clean his bathroom out.

RECITALS

It Came to Pass From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward

        It came to pass, there was no ass, there was a famine in the land.

And Daniel came unto the King, and Daniel sayeth unto the King, “Why is the Queen not a prostitute?” and the King casteth Daniel into the lions’ den. “Fuck me,” said the Queen, and no one moved except a decrepit old courtier, who’d sat in a corner wanking for nigh on fifty years, and grabbing hold of her by the lapels of her cunt, pulled her on like a well- worn seaboot. “Fuck me,” said the Princess and the Knight rolled on. On the first day the King came unto Daniel, and Daniel espying the King from afar, picked up a lump of crystallized camel shit (bullshit not being available in those days), and let fly, hitting the King between the eyes. “Shit,” said the King, and the King’s word being law in the land, 50,000 asses turned toward the East and splattered the midday sun. “Stop,” said the Queen, and the Queen’s word also being law in those days, 20,000 turds were nipped in the bud.

Nabob the Paybob From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward

        It came to pass, there was no ass, and NABOB, son of PAYBOB,

traveled the road from Pompey to Guzz and he was set upon by bandits, not ordinary bandits, but ass bandits, who ragged him, bagged him, and shagged him and left him on the roadside gasping for a tickler and they drew lots for his burberry. The first person to walk past was not a tall man, he was not a short man, he was not a fat man, he was not a thin man, but a fucking great JOSSMAN who spat on him and crossed by on the other side. The next person to walk by was JENNY who came unto NABOB and sayeth, “What doest thou here?” and NABOB sayeth “I was traveling along the road from Pompey to Guzz and I was set upon by bandits, not ordinary bandits, but ass bandits who ragged me, bagged me, and shagged me, and left me on the roadside gasping for a tickler, and they drew lots for my burberry.” And JENNY sayeth unto NABOB, “Dwell with me,” and he dwelt. After forty days and forty nights he came unto the bay of sickness and JENNY sayeth unto him, “I am pregnant and what steps wilt thou take?” and NABOB sayeth “Bloody big ones!” and disappeareth into the wilderness. Here endeth the lesson.

Sharp Operator From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward

        There was a young lady who swallowed a Wilkerson Sword

stainless steel razor blade. Not only did she suffer a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, and a hysterectomy, but she castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, took two fingers off a casual acquaintance, gave the vicar a harelip, and she still had five shaves left.

One Hen Tongue Twister This is a drinking recital I learned at the 44th TFS at Kadena Air Base, Japan - the leader shouts the first line and everybody else shouts it back; the leader shouts the first and second lines and everybody else shouts them back; and so on through the tenth line - if you say it right, you drink; if you screw it up, you drink … F.B.

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alveezer’s tweezers
Seven thousand Macedonian warriors charging in full battle armor
Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt
Nine apathetic, syphilitic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity toward procrastination and sloth
Ten lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep who quoth quay through the quivy of the quarry constantly and at the same time
Right?
(all shout) Right!

THE SHIT LIST (this is a bit of “Xerox-ware” slightly improved upon by Flying Booger)

The Ghost - You know you’ve shit; it smells like shit; there’s shit on the toilet paper; but there’s nothing in the toilet.

Teflon-Coated Shit - Also known as the Ronald Reagan. Comes out so slick, clean, and easy you don’t even feel it. No traces on the paper. You have to look in the bowl to be sure.

Gooey Shit* - Has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe yourself 12 times and still don’t come clean. You end up stuffing toilet paper in your drawers to keep from staining them. This shit leaves permanent marks on the porcelin.

The Not Again! Shit - You’re all done and standing up when you realize you have to shit some more.

The Vein-Popper - It won’t come out until you’re all sweaty, trembling, and purple. This is the one that killed Elvis.

The Richard Simmons - You shit so much you lose ten pounds.

Corn Shit - Self-explanatory.

The Right Now! Shit - You’d better be within ten feet of a toilet. Usually it’s part-way out by the time you get your pants down.

Green Shit - Almost always the result of eating spinach salad.

The Noisy Shit* - Accompanied by loud, stuttering farts that you can’t seem to control. This shit would embarrass Roseanne Barr.

The Sneaky Shit - You’re standing there taking a piss and you feel a little fart building up. You let it fly, and guess what? Surprise!

The King Kong* - This one is so big you have to break it into smaller chunks before it’ll flush. A coat hanger works well for this task.

The Cork Shit* - Also known as the Floater. Even after the third flush it’s still there.

Wet Cheeks Shit - Hits the water sideways and makes a big splash. It invariably occurs when you’re down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

The Calamari Express - Also known as the Clinger. Comes after dining on octopus or squid. Those little tentacles latch onto your asshole and won’t let go.

The Wish Shit - You sit for hours, all cramped up, and produce only a few farts.

Cement Block Shit - You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you dropped this load.

The Achoo Shit* - Akin to an anal sneeze, it explodes from you with sudden and great force. You’d better check the toilet afterwards, because it’ll spray everywhere, even up on the bottom of the seat.

Snake Shit - Fairly soft, about as big around as your thumb, and three feet long.

Mexican Food Shit - Also known as the Screamer. You’ll know it’s safe to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk’s Shit* - Comes the day after the night before. Shit usually smells bad, but this shit smells BAAAAAD!

Only occurs when there’s a person of the opposite sex standing outside waiting to use the bathroom. Usually you’re in someone else’s house.

THE SPAM SKIT from Monty Python (copyrighted material)

Background noise: sounds of silverware and cups clinking, etc …

Male customer: “Sit here, dear.”

Female customer: “All right.”

Male customer (to waitress): “Morning.”

Waitress: “Morning.”

Male customer: “Wot you got?”

Waitress: “Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg, sausage, and bacon; egg and Spam; egg, bacon, and Spam; egg, bacon, sausage, and Spam; Spam, bacon, sausage, and Spam; Spam, egg, Spam, Spam, bacon, and Spam; Spam, sausage, Spam, Spam, Spam, bacon, Spam, tomatoe, and Spam; Spam, Spam, Spam, egg and Spam; Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam …”

Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Spamity Spam!

Waitress: “Or Lobster Thermidor et Cruvettes with a Bernaise sauce served in the Provencal manner with shallots and oeuvres garnished with truffle patty, brandy, and a fried egg on top, and Spam.”

Female Customer: “Have you got anything without Spam?”

Waitress: “Well, there’s Spam, eggs, sausage, and Spam. That’s not got much Spam in it.”

Female Customer: “I don’t want any Spam.”

Male customer: “Why can’t she have egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage?”

Female Customer: “That’s got Spam in it.”

Male customer: “Hasn’t got as much Spam in it as Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam, has it?”

Female Customer: “Wot, d’ye mean egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage without the Spam, then?

Waitress: “Eeeeeewwaugh!”

Female Customer: “Wot d’ye mean, ‘eeeeeeewwaugh?’ I don’t like Spam!”

Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Wonderful Spam!

Waitress: “Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings … you can’t have egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage without the Spam!”

Female Customer (screaming): “I don’t like Spam!!!”

Male customer: “Hush, dear, don’t cause a fuss … I’ll have your Spam. I love it. I’m having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam.”

Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Wonderful Spam!

Waitress: “Shut up! (Vikings stop) Baked beans are off.”

Male customer: “Could I have Spam instead of the baked beans, then?”

Waitress: “You mean Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam?”

Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Wonderful Spam! Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! Spam-a-Spam-a-Spam-a-Spam-a- Spam-a-Spam, Spamity Spam, Wonderful Spam, Spamity Spam, Lovely Spam, Lovely Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!

STREET OF A THOUSAND ASSHOLES Contributed by Zippy, Pike’s Peak H4

On the street of a thousand assholes ‘Neath the sign of the swinging tit, Stood a beautiful Chineese maiden, Her name was “Who Flung Shit.”

She stood in celestial splendor, Her eyes like pools of piss, As she diddled herself with a candle, And stood in eternal bliss.

She thought of her friends on Bond Street, She thought of her friends on Bow, She thought of the score she’d laid on the floor When in walked “One Hung Low.”

“Fly into my arms thou bag of shit,” He said with his cock in hand, “My love for thee will last like snow Upon the desert sand.”

She gently raised her starboard tit And scratched her itchy prat, Then she said with a half-assed grin, “Why don’t you fuck your hat?”

Anger overcame him As he pissed upon the wall, Cock in hand he fucked his hat And tread on his one good ball.

Now on the street of a thousand assholes ‘Neath the sign of the pregnant cat, They bore him away in splendor, The man who had fucked his hat.

TOASTS

To a man:

May the bleeding piles possess him and adorn his bloody feet, May crabs the size of horseturds climb up his legs and eat; And when he’s as old as I am and naught but a bloody wreck, May his head fall down through his asshole and break his fucking neck.

To youth:

When I was a young man, I used to be so proud, I had a cock so mighty, I wanted to shout out loud. It never took a day off; it was always there, And every morning when I shaved, it would stand and stare. Now I’m old and weary, my pilot light’s gone out, What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout, Oh, I’m gray and wrinkled, and it sure gives me the blues, To see the thing hang down my leg to watch me shine my shoes.

When I was a little girl, I had a little quim; I’d stand before the looking-glass, and put one finger in. But now that I am old and gray, and losing all my charm, I can get five fingers in, and half my fucking arm.

To women:

Here’s to the gash that never heals, The more you touch it the better it feels, Rub it and tub it and scrub it like hell, You’ll never get rid of that fishy old smell.

Here’s to the girl who lives on the hill, If she won’t do it her sister will Here’s to her sister!

Here’s to the breezes That blow through the treeses And lift girls’ chemises Way over their kneeses And show us the creases That twitches and squeezes And teases and pleases And carries diseases By Jesus!

Here’s to the lady dressed in black, Once she walks by she never looks back, And when she kisses, oh, how sweet, She makes things stand that never had feet.

Here’s to the girl who I love best, I love her best when she’s undressed, I’d fuck her sitting, standing, lying, If she had wings I’d fuck her flying, And when she’s dead and long forgotten, I’ll dig her up and fuck her rotten!

Let’s have a toast to her honor! Response: Get on her and stay on her!

Here’s to Mag, that filthy hag, That sleazy, slimy slut. Green fungus lies between her thighs, And worms crawl out her butt. Before I’d scale those scabby legs, Or suck those pus-filled tits, I’d drink a gallon of buzzard puke, And die of the drizzly shits.

To love:

Man’s occupation, Is to stick his cockulation, Up the woman’s ventilation, To increase the population, Of the coming generation.

Here’s to the game of twenty toes, It’s played all over the town. The women play with ten toes up, The men with ten toes down.

(this Spanish toast starts out with the man holding his glass above the woman’s and saying): “At times above you,” (then he moves his glass below hers and says): “At times below you,” (then he clinks the glasses and says): “Always beside you,” (then he pours a little of whatever he has in his glass into hers and says): “And sometimes inside you!” (In Spanish): “A veces abajo de ti, A veces debajo de ti, Siempre a lado de ti, A veces a dentro de ti!”

To a life well-lived:

Here’s to me in my sober mood, When I ramble, sit, and think. Here’s to me in my drunken mood, When I gamble, sin, and drink. And when my days are over, And from this world I pass, I hope they bury me upside down, So the world can kiss my ass!

To drink:

Times are hard, And wages are small, So drink more beer, And fuck ‘em all.

If I had a dog that could piss this stuff (hold up beer mug) And if I thought he could piss enough I’d tie his head to the foot of the bed And suck his dick till we both were dead!

THE TWO SHITS OF VERONA A Tragedy in Five Scenes by Francis Seidov Bacon Contributed by Richard Applebee, Barbados HHH

Introduction

This is the earliest and worst of Bacon’s plays, probably written about the time of the last Banks Holiday in Barbados. The plot is sauced from B_arnaise the Elder whose piquant writings influenced the young Bacon during his formative years. The spectator is called upon to accept much that is improbable and the play has none of the lyrical realism which characterised his later works such as Omelette, Prince of Denmark, and Henry Binnema, Part II. There can be no sympathy for the main characters whose outrageous and unnatural cruelty drive them to their tragic doom.

Dramatis Personae

James Elliot, a butcher Rob Bateson, a fisherman Derek Russell, a herald (and RA) John Clooney, a FRB Alison Elliot, a loyal wife Mark Doktoroff, a doctor Malcolm Gibbons, a baker Annie Seymour, an officer from HMS Boxer Peppermint, a dog About forty hashers including naval ratings.

Scene I

A rain-swept clump of trees close to Morgan Lewis beach. Several battered vehicles lie on their sides after traversing a mile of impassable terrain. Bruised hashers tend their wounds as if after a battle. A lynching mob is being organised. Enter James Elliot carrying a dead pig.

Rob: Alas, poor Grunwell, I knew him well!

All: Let fall thy chopper. Despair and die!

James: Friends, Baijans, Hashermen Give me your beers. I come to cook this pig Not to bury it! The evil I have done lives after me But the good is on these bones. For thee alone - $6 a plate.

Peppermint: Woof, woof.

Alarums sound Exeunt all, shouting ON-ON

Scene II

A blasted heath half way to Foster’s Fun Land. The hashers are unrecognisable. A number have drowned crossing two raging torrents and Jan Bateson has sunk to her ears in a puddle. All are covered in mud and several shoes have been lost.The trail of flour has disappeared in the lashing rain. Enter John, returning from St Nicholas’ Abbey.

Derek: ARE YOU?

John: To be or not to be, That is the question Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind To follow the rings and arrows of outrageous hashers Or return to find the loathsome hares And by strangulation, end them.

Jan: But soft! What light through yonder tree fork breaks? It is a dot and then another. Arise fair hashers, the trail is found Let’s to the beach!

Peppermint: Out! Out! damned spots

Exeunt all, shouting as before

Scene III

Morgan Lewis Beach. The waves pound the shore. A bedraggled line of hashers stumbles South, leaning into the wind. Only Malcolm Gibbons, delirious, runs in the sea. Enter Mark Doctoroff, going North with an escort.

Mark: Hail fellows! Well met! God and your legs be praised, victorious friends!

All: Oh, sod off, Mark.

Derek: Over hill and over dale Through bog and beach Through flood, through fire I have hashed everywhere. Swifter I, than Patti Roach Picking up a sailor!

John: The on-in draws nigh! Those hares shall burn in never quenching fire. Come! Let us rid the world of their foul presence.

John rushes to the bar and collapses, weeping. Slowly the other hashers stagger in and order Banks. Some are armed with axes and prepare to execute the hares.

Scene IV

The bar. James and Rob are on their knees before the podium. Derek, dressed in the RA’s regalia stands on the podium and gives orders that the shit shirt be made particularly revolting for the occasion. The pig is roasting in the China box, but many hashers feel that the hares should take its place.

Derek: O, be thou damned, inexecrable dogs!

Peppermint: Who me?

Alison: The quality of mercy is not strain’d. It droppeth like this downpour from heaven Upon the bog beneath. GUILTY!

Derek: Thou hast undone thyselves. Prepare to die. I shame to hear thee speak, O timorous wretches. Thou hast besmirched us with mud and set a most piteous hash. Some are born shits, some achieve shittiness And some have shittiness thrust upon them. But thou takest the biscuit. Therefore, DRINK !

The hares don the shirt. Furious hashers cover them with mud and sand. Ruth Palmer casts a bucket of cold water over them to express her appreciation of the hash. The bar is opened and several more die in the rush.

Scene V

Unfortunately, Bacon never completed this scene because drunkenness overtook him, or perhaps because he ate some of Elliot’s pig. The only surviving fragments of the manuscript refer disjointedly to a game of cricket and a tug-of-war on the beach. How exciting the final d_nouement may have been can best be judged from the following scrap of dialogue, scribbled at the bottom of the last quarto, apparently referring to the tug-of war.

Annie Seymour: Men of HMS Boxer! Take up the slack! PULL!

Malcolm Gibbons: Hashers of the BHHH! Take up the slack: PUSH!

Exeunt all, thoroughly plastered after a great day at the beach. Thanks to the hares and to all those who joined in the fun.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS By Richard Lederer (copyrighted material)

        One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher

is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate in the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the philatelists, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the middle ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in the tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion there is strength.” Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest, even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

SWEET LOVIN’

Abortion A Few of My Favorite Things All My Jism A-Rovin’ “A,” You’re a Big Bimbo “A”, You’ve Got Asshole Stains Ali Boogie Baby Won’t You Blow Ball of Yarn Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies Be My Guest Big Bamboo Blew by You Boom, Oooh, Yakatata By the Light Bye, Bye Cherry Chapped Hide Christopher and Alice Come and Sit On My Face If You Love Me Crock of Shit Cucumber Song Divorce Game Don’t that Bastard Get any Bigger? Don’t Say No Do You Fuck on First Dates? Engineer’s Dream Enormous Penis Song Fanny Bay Fondle Me With Care Free Ballin’ Furburger King Gang Bang Gender Bender Song Get it Up, Get it In Give Me a Clone God Bless My Underpants Gonorrhea Great Big Wheel Green Grow the Rashes O Hand Solo Song Harvest of Love Hello Penis Herpes Family Herpes Song Hot Vagina Hot Vagina Redeux How Ashamed I Was How to Handle a Date I Don’t Want to Join the Army I Don’t Want to Join the Convent I Like Cock I Like Cunt I Love My Wife I Put My Hand I Put My Lips If I Were the Marrying Kind I’ll Never Piss Again In the Mood Isn’t it Awfully Nice to Have a Penis? Isn’t it Great to Have a Clitoris? I’ve Got a Start on a Twelve-Inch Hard-On Jamaica Farewell Keyhole Song La Cock Let Me Ball You Sweetheart Let’s Screw Little Penis Long and Thin Lotsa Fucking Man Trap Marriage a la Mode Masturbata Masturbation (Fornication) Masturbation Song My Little Pink Panties No Balls at All Nude One-Eyed Trouser Snake One Twat Oral Sex Penis Breath Penis Song Portions of a Woman Pregnancy (and Variations) Pubic Hairs! Put Your Left Leg Over My Shoulder Put Your Legs Round My Shoulders (Harriers) Put Your Legs Round My Shoulders (Harriettes) Put Your Thighs on My Shoulders Rawhide Real Story of Gilligan’s Island Ringadangdoo Roll Me over in the Clover Rotten Cocksuckers’ Ball Rubber Dickie Rubber Dildo Seven Nervous Days Sex is Boring She Had Big Mountains … Sit on My Face (two versions) Sit on My Face and Tell Me That You Love Me Square Dance Sunstroke, Syphilis, Varicose Veins Supercallousflagellisticsexpect-cunnilingus Syphilis Take Me Out For a Good Ball Take Me Out to the Gang Bang The Triangle These Foolish Things Waves and Waves Wedding Song When the End of the Month Rolls Around Who Is In the Kitchen With Ah Hin? Who Needs Sex? Will You Marry Me?