Source: Horntip Collection - Half-Mind Hymnal 2011

Lyrics

Also known as “Rat-a-Tat-Tat”

A boy went into a chandler’s shop, some candles for to buy, But when he got to the chandler’s shop, no chandler did he spy, He loudly knocked, he loudly cried, enough to wake the dead, But all he heard was a rat-a-tat-tat, right above his head.

Now he was a very inquisitive youth, so up the stairs he went, And he was very surprised to find the chandler’s wife in bed, For she was lying upon her back with a man betweenher thighs, And they were having a rat-a-tat-tat, right before his eyes.

And when the deed was over, the wife she raised her head, And she was very surprised to find the boy beside the bed, “Now if you can keep a secret, boy, to you I will be kind, And you can have a rat-a-tat-tat, whenever you feel inclined.”

CHICAGO (Two Versions) Melody - The Bear Went Over the Mountain (Take turns leading verses)

CHORUS: I used to work in Chicago, In a department store, I used to work in Chicago, I don’t work there any more.

VERSION # 1: A lady came into the hatshop, I asked, “What kind would you like?” “Felt,” she said, Felt her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a water-bottle, I asked, “What kind would you like?” “Rubber,” she said, Rub her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a sweater, I asked, “What kind would you like?” “Jumper,” she said, Jump her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a ticket, I asked, “Where would you like to go?” “Bangor,” she said, Bang her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for some coffee, I asked, “What kind would you like?” “Ground,” she said, Grind her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for some gin, I asked “What kind would you like?” “Beefeater,” she said, Eat her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a cake, I asked, “What kind would you like?” “Layer,” she said, Lay her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A woman came in for some service, I asked, “How fast do you want it?” “Quick,” she said, Prick her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for some carpet, I asked, “What kind would you like?” “Pile,” she said, Shagged her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a diskette, I asked “What kind would you like?” “Floppy,” she said, Hard drive her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A woman came in for a bath mat, I asked “What size would you like?” “Shower,” she said, Show her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a down quilt, I asked “What kind would you like?” “Goose,” she said, Goose her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for some lamp oil, I asked “What kind would you like?” “Whale,” she said, Sperm her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A woman came in for a power drill, I asked, “What brand would you like?” “Black & Decker,” she said, Deck her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a drink, I asked, “What kind would you like?” “Liquor,” she said, Lick her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for some Air Wick, I asked, “What scent would you like?” “Mountain,” she said, Mount her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a sleeper, I asked, “What berth would you like?” “Upper,” she said, Up her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for some china, I asked, “What kind would you like?” “Bone,” she said, Bone her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for some dish soap, I asked, “What kind would you like?” “Johnson & Johnson,” she said, My Johnson she got, I don’t work there any more.

A woman came in for some wood shoes, I asked, “What kind would you like?” “Clog,” she said, Flog her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a curtain, I asked “What kind would you like?” “Drape,” she said, Rape her I did, I don’t work there any more.

A man came in for a new coat, I asked “What kind would you like?” He said, “Something nice.” He went home with lice. I don’t work there any more.

A man came in for a rental, I asked, “What kind would you like?” “A U-Haul,” he said, Haul his ashes I did, I don’t work there any more.

VERSION # 2: A lady came in for some stockings, Some stockings from the store, Stockings she wanted, A hosing she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for some carpet, Some carpet from the store, Carpet she wanted, Laid she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for some nails, Some nails from the store, Nails she wanted, Screwed she got, I don’t work there any more.

A man came in for a balloon, A balloon from the store, Balloon he wanted, Blown he got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for some wool, Some wool from the store, Wool she wanted, Felt she got, I don’t work there any more.

A man came in for some carpet, Some carpet from the store, Shag he wanted, Piles he got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for metaphysical conversation, Metaphysical conversation from the store, Metaphysical conversation she wanted, Fucked she got, I don’t work there any more.

A man came in for a lollipop, A lollipop from the store, A sucker he wanted, Sucked he got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for drain cleaner, Drain cleaner from the store, Drano she wanted, Clean pipes she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a pony, A pony from the store, Horse she wanted, Ridden she got, I don’t work there any more.

A man came in for some wheels, Some wheels from the store, Wheels he wanted, Rimmed he got, I don’t work there any more.

A woman came in for a doughnut, A doughnut from the store, Glazed she wanted, Creme-filled she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a throw rug, A throw rug from the store, Rug she wanted, Rug-burned she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a watchspring, A watchspring from the store, Watchspring she wanted, Boinged she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a T-bone, A T-bone from the store, T-bone she wanted, Boneless round she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for toy sailors, Toy sailors from the store, Toy sailors she wanted, Semen she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a canned ham, Canned ham from the store, Armour she wanted, Porked she got, I don’t work there any more.

A woman came in for gift wrapping, Gift wrapping from the store, Wrapping she wanted, A stuffing she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a beefsteak, Beefsteak from the store, Chuck she wanted, Fucked she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a novel, A novel from the store, Dickens she wanted, Dick she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for cigarettes, Cigarettes from the store, Camels she wanted, Humped she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for an iron, An iron from the store, Steam she wanted, Reamed she got, I don’t work there any more.

A widow came in for some sympathy, Sympathy from the store, Sympathy she wanted, Syphilis she got, I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for assistance, Assistance from the store, Help she wanted, AIDS she got, I don’t work there any more.

BONUS EXHIBITIONIST VERSES FOR HARRIERS AND HARRIETTES: A lady/man came in for some aspirin, Some aspirin from the store, Aspirin she/he wanted, Crack she/he got, (shoot moon) I don’t work there any more.

A lady/man came in for some film, Some film from the store, Color she wanted, Exposed she got, (expose dick/tits) I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a computer, A computer from the store, Apple she wanted, My Wang she got, (expose dick) I don’t work there any more.

A man came in for a pet, A pet from the store, A puppy he wanted, My pussy he got, (expose same) I don’t work there any more.

A man came in for some deoderant, Some deoderant from the store, Right Guard he wanted, My right tit he got, (expose same) I don’t work there any more.

A lady (or man) came in for some Wrigley’s, Some Wrigley’s from the store, Gum she (he) wanted, My bum she got, (shoot moon) I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for molasses, Molasses from the store, Sorghum she wanted, My scrotum she got, (expose same) I don’t work there any more.

A man came into Lost & Found, Lost & Found at the store, “My package, I left it.” I showed him my left tit, (expose same) I don’t work there any more.

A lady came in for a video, A video from the store, Free Willy she wanted, Free Willy I did, (do same) I don’t work there any more.