Source: Horntip Collection - Half-Mind Hymnal 2011

Lyrics

I’ll tell you a story that is sure to please, Of a great farting contest at Burton-on-Tease, Where all the best farters paraded the field, To compete in a contest for various shields.

Some tighten their bumcheeks and fart up the scale, To compete for a cup and a barrel of ale, Whilst others whose arseholes are biggest and strongest, Compete in the section for loudest and longest.

Now, this year’s event had drawn quite a big crowd, And the betting was even on Mrs. McDowd, For it had appeared in the evening edition, That this lady’s arse was in perfect condition.

Now old Mrs. Jones had a perfect backside, Half a forest of hairs with a wart on each side, And she fancied her chance of winning with ease, Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

The vicar arrived and ascended the stand, And thus he addressed this remarkable band: “The contest is on as is shown on the bills, We’ve precluded the use of injections and pills.”

Mrs. Bingle arrived amid roars of applause, And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers, For though she’d no chance in the farting display, She’d the prettiest bottom you’d see on this day.

Now, young Mrs. Porter was backed for a place, Though she’d ovten been placed in the deepest disgrace, By dropping a fart on a Sunday in church, And disturbing the sermon of Reverend McGurch.

The ladies lined up at the signal to start, And winning the toss, Mrs. Jones took first fart, The people around stood in silence and wonder, While her wireless transmitted gale warnings and thunder.

Now Mrs. McDowd reckoned nothing of this, She’d had some weak tea and was all wind and piss, She took up her place with her arse opened wide, But unluckily shit and was disqualified.

Then young Mrs. Porter was called to the front, And started by doing a wonderful stunt, She took a deep breath, and clenching her hands, She blew the whole roof off the popular stands.

That left Mrs. Bingle who shyly appeared, And smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered, And though it was reckoned her chances were small, She ran out a winner, outfarting them all.

With hands on her hips she stood farting alone, And the crowd stood amazed at the sweetness of tone, And the clergy agreed without hindrance or pause, And said, “First to Mrs. Bingle, now pull up your drawers.”

But with muscles well-tensed and legs full apart, She started a final and glorious fart, Beginning with Chopin, and ending with Wing, She went right up the scale to God Save the King.

She went to the rostrum with maidenly gait, And took from the vicar a set of gold plate, Then she turned to the vicar with sweetness sublime, And smilingly said, “Come see me sometime.”

GET FUCKED By Bollox, Phuket HHH

When I was just a young boy I had to go to school I didn’t like the teachers and I couldn’t stand their rules My mother said “Speak nicely son then you won’t get whacked” But every time the teacher spoke I would answer back

CHORUS: Get fucked, get fucked, you can go get fucked And if you think I give a shit then you are out of luck I could search for big long words for ages I could hunt But I’d rather be done with it so get fucked you silly cunt

Then along came a war and to the army I did go One day I was called to the office to see the new C.O. He said “The mission’s dangerous but we need the very best And if you should come back alive we’ll pin a medal on your chest” I said…

Then I had to go to work and by Christ it was hard Twelve hours a day pushing broom around a lorry yard The boss said “We’re in a mess there’s only one way I can see You’ll have to do some overtime an hour a day for free” I said…

Well I was sick of the missus so I asked her for divorce She must have been sick of me because she said “Of course” She said “I’ll keep the TV, the house, the kids, the car And I’ll hold your money so you don’t spend it in the bar” I said…

Now I’m here in Houston running with the hash I’ve come a long way to be here and I paid registration cash But if you think you can abuse me because of my silly face Then I have two words to say and this is the time and place You can…

They say it comes to us all so one day I must die Then I will have to stand before the GM in the sky He’ll say “You’re a Phuket hasher you sinned every Saturday Before you get the big down-down is there anything you want to say” I’ll say…