Source: Horntip Collection - Half-Mind Hymnal 2011

Lyrics

According to Ed Cray in “The Erotic Muse”, the original of this hobo song was a parlor song used in an 1882 play. The first known printed version dates to 1912 and was sung to the tune of Red River Valley

Don’t look at me that way, stranger, I didn’t shit in your seat. I just come down from the mountains With my balls all covered with sleet.

I’ve been up in the Lehigh Valley, Me and my old pal, Lou, A-pimpin’ for a whorehouse And a God damned good one too.

It was there that I first fucked Nell; She was the village belle. I was only a lowdown panderer But I loved that girl like hell.

But along came a city slicker, All handsome, gay and rich, And he stole away my Nellie, That stinking son-of-a-bitch.

I’m just restin’ my ass a moment, And then I’m on my way. I’ll hunt the runt that swiped my cunt If it takes till Judgement Day.

LIFE PRESENTS A DISMAL PICTURE (Two Versions) Version # 1 Melody - Hark, the Herald Angels Sing Version # 2 Melody - Oh, My Darlin’ Clementine The first version of this fine old standard is included in many hash songbooks. The second version, titled “Hymn,” comes from Dennis “Mu-Sick” Gill, Ft Walton Beach HHH, Florida

Life presents a dismal picture, Dark and dreary as the tomb, Father’s got urethral stricture, Mother’s got a prolapsed womb. Uncle James has been deported For a homosexual crime, Nell, our maid, has just aborted For the forty-second time.

Ours is not a happy household - No one laughs or ever smiles, Mine’s a dismal occupation, Crushing ice for Grandpa’s piles. Jane the under-housemaid vomits Every morning just at eight, To the horror of the butler, Who’s the author of her fate.

Auntie Kate has diarrhea, Shits ten times more than she ought; Stands all day beside the rear, Lest she should be taken short. Grandpa, lurking in the woodshed, Found a fetus in a case; Father Pryke says it’s murder - Of sister Annie there’s no trace.

Uncle Charlie has a chancre, Caught from Uncle Henry’s wife; May’s in bed with menstruation, Auntie’s at the change of life. Mabel’s husband’s now in prison, For a childish prank of mine; Pinching things that wasn’t his’n - Women’s scanties off a line.

Dad’s a man who likes the bestial, Incest is my mother’s fun, So the whole four sleep together - Father, mother, horse, and son. Anal-oral trends disgust me, Though pronounced in Tiny Tim, For I much prefer fellatio - He sucks me and I suck him.

Little Jim keeps masturbating, Though we tell him it is sin; Uncle Dave’s the Kingsgrove Slasher, Uncle Henry dobbed him in. Still, we must not be down-hearted, We must not be put about, Cousin Susie has just farted - Turned her arsehole inside out!

Guide me oh my great Jehovah, Pilgrim in this barren land, We are meek, but thou art mighty, Guide us with thy powerful hand. Bread of heaven, bread of heaven, Feed us till we want no more, Bread of heaven, bread of heaven, Feed us till we want no more.

Always eat when you are hungry, Always drink when you are dry, Always sleep when you are tired, Don’t stop breathing or you’ll die. Bread’s from commissary, milk Magnolia, Cold beer from San Miguel, Bread’s from commissary, milk Magnolia, Cold beer from San Miguel.

Life presents a dismal picture, From the cradle to the tomb, Father’s got an anal stricture, Mother’s got a fallen womb. Fallen womb, fallen womb, Mother’s got a fallen womb, Fallen womb, fallen womb, Mother’s got a fallen womb.

Sister Sue has been aborted, For the forty-second time, Brother Bill has been reported, For a homosexual crime. For a homo, for a homo, For a homosexual crime, For a homo, for a homo, For a homosexual crime.

Grandpa hardly ever laughs now, Fact, he never even smiles, For his only occupation’s, Crushing ice for Grandpa’s piles. Crushing ice, crushing ice, Crushing ice for Grandpa’s piles, Crushing ice, crushing ice, Crushing ice for Grandpa’s piles.

In a small brown paper parcel, Wrapped in a mysterious way, Is an imitation rectum, Grandpa uses twice each day. Uses twice, uses twice, Uses twice each day, Uses twice, uses twice, Uses twice each day.

Never ever be down-hearted, Never be fucked all about, Brother Tom has only farted, Turned his asshole inside out. Turned his asshole, turned his asshole, Turned his asshole inside out, Turned his asshole, turned his asshole, Turned his asshole inside out.

Even now the baby’s started, Having epileptic fits, Every time it coughs it spews, Every time it spews it shits. Every time, every time. Every time it spews it shits, Every time, every time. Every time it spews it shits.