Source: Horntip Collection - Half-Mind Hymnal 2011

Lyrics

Contributed by Abby Sale, courtesy of Ed Cray Copyright Dr. Paul S Agutter 1996

One night to the bar I’d gone for a jar And I’d drunk the barrel dry; But the thoughts in me head were very far from bed ‘Till this harlot catched me eye. She was withered and small, like a pickled walnut Her bones had rubbed her sore, Her teeth were in a box and she’d got the pox And her age was fifty four.

CHORUS: I’ve made very bold with young and old, And I’ve fucked ‘em thick and thin, [audience response: Thick and thin.] But I’ve never, never straddled a whore so addled As Vanessa Picklegin.

Well, no one knows who soberly goes To what depths man can sink, How his brain is birled when he sees the world Through the rose-colored specks of drink. I gazed in her eye till beneath me fly Me Y-fronts rapidly rose, And the stand in hand grew so bloody grand That it nearly blocked me nose.

So up comes she and she says to me, “If you fancy a whore to screw, I can take without fuss any doubledecker bus, So I’ll readily deal with you! For the average fool with the average tool I charge an inordinate fee; But since youve got a hard of more than a yard, For you the admission’s free.”

So its back to her flat, and we slung out the cat, And to bed without a word, For she looked, and she felt, and she bloody nearly smelt Like a week-old, whitewashed turd. But I maintained that horn from night till morn, And we fucked the dark hours through; ‘Till the bones went crack in the middle of her back And Vanessa fell in two.

Now all you lads that drink ale, be cautioned by my tale, For as I scrambled free, I loudly wailed, for my prick was left impaled On Vanessa’s vertibrae. So, when you’re in the pub, the harlots snub, Or you will surely find, Though you may get away and not be asked to pay… YOU’LL LEAVE A LOT BEHIND!