Source: Horntip Collection - Half-Mind Hymnal 2011

Lyrics

Composed by Oral Roberts

He runs slower than molassesCause he’s scoping young boys’ asses Master of inebriationAnd delayed ejaculationAll those oozing sores are burningFrom the tricks that he’s been turningWith the ladies he has no luckCause he’s always too drunk to fuck,Down-down-down!

WEDDING CEREMONIES

WEDDING CEREMONY # 1 Contributed by Stray Dog, Global Trash

Dearly intoxicated, we are gathered here in the presence of the Pack to join this hasher and this harriette in holy mattress monkey.
Attesting to their dreary and lonely lives, they have now resolved to end each future hash by going home and getting lucky every time without need for self-gratification or technology.
We come to celebrate the end of their wanking ways and to cheer in the joy of sex outside masturbation.
(insert hasher’s name), do you take this harriette for better or for worse, on the rag and in health, on bad hair days and good, to have and to hash with until death do you part?
```
    (Hasher answers)  "I do"
```
(insert harriette’s name), do you take this hasher for better or for worse, in vomit and in shiggy, with his farts and his smell, to have and to hash with until death do you part?
```
    (Harriette answers)  "I do"
```

Please raise your beers and repeat after me. With this beer, I thee wed.

    (Both)  "With this beer, I thee wed."

    (RA leads pack in a down-down song of his choosing or local

tradition and the bride and groom drink at the appropriate time, after which …)

I now pronounce you hasher and harriette, doomed to spend the rest of your lives running the hash together. May you go forth and multiply, bearing many new little horrors to fill our trails.

You may now moon the pack.

    (The pack showers them with spewed beer and hash as local

tradition dictates.)

WEDDING CEREMONY # 2 Contributed by Cold Cuts & Slave to the Mattress, Ft Eustis HHH

Dearly incarcerated, we are gathered here today to celebrate the bondage between Slave to the Mattress and Cold Cuts. This day signifies the end of the ability to come and go as you please, of freely ogling members of the opposite sex, of innocently flirting without repercussion, and of making that monumental decision, “Should I go to the hash?” without first wondering what your cellmate, I mean soul mate, already has planned.

Is there anyone present knowing of any reason why we should not consider Slave and Cold Cuts permanently sentenced to life in holly mattress moaning?

Cold Cuts, do you take Slave to the Mattress to be your hashing partner until the beer runs out?

And Slave, do you take Cold Cuts, to be your sole provider of vaginal stimulation until impotence sets in?

Cold Cuts, repeat after me: I, Cold Cuts, promise to be sexually satisfying, to be submissive or dominant at Slave’s request, and to give adequate notification before farting in the bed.

Slave, repeat after me: I, Slave to the Mattress, promise to tell Cold Cuts to go to hell when he asks me to obey , to be understanding of his addiction with the hash, and to learn that velvet tongue technique as soon as possible.

May I have the handcuffs? These handcuffs are a symbol of Cold Cut’s and Slave’s sentence to life. A life of never ending trails of shiggy and whining hashers and twisted ankles and explaining to civilians what hashing is and separating hash socks from white socks and most importantly, beer and down-downs.

Please handcuff the couple.

A note for the fools! (song) Drink it down, down, down, etc …

By the power invested to me by the State of Drunkenness, I now mispronounce you harrier and harriette. You may tongue the bitch. Mazeltof!

WEDDING CEREMONY # 3 Contributed by Spinal Tap, White House HHHH

Dearly Besotted,

We’ve cum here (cum, who said cum, I’ll have some of that) today to do a whole lot of drinking, partying, and making asses of ourselves. As part of the last activity, two of our favorite people have asked to be joined in unholy mattress monkey in front of their friends and co- degenerates. As one of the senior members of the DC area Hashing community (not counting DCH3, of course), I have willingly volunteered to make this ceremony as meaningless as possible.

I am being disably assisted today by my chorus of “AMEN” sayers. Please feel free to join in at the appropriate (or inappropriate, for that matter) times. AMEN!! (The chorus consisted of 8 people in choir robes, which I had purchased at a local thrift shop for about $2 each, just in case we might need them sometime)

(I read the new ‘prayer’ here…”Our beer, which art in barrels, etc”)

As we come into this world unclothed, and without sin or shame, it is my firm belief that every important occasion in life should be celebrated in the same fashion. Let’s face it…all of us have had very important occasions in life where clothing was totally irrelevant and unwanted. AMEN!! Therefore, will the happy couple please come forward and remove all your clothing? (You don’t really have to, but I thought I’d give it a try). (Actually, the groom started to, but we stopped him before it got ugly)

(remove ice bag from cooler, place on top.)

Please be seated. AMEN!!

Please state your names and who made you cum. OOPS - that’s for virgins, so you definitely don’t have to do that. AMEN!!

The lucky [groom]. AMEN!! The not-quite-so-lucky AMEN!! Harriette is [bride].. AMEN!!

As I understand it, [bride] found [groom] lying in a muddy gutter after a normal Hash run and took pity on him. Unfortunately there was a water shortage at the time, so in order to clean off the mud she performed a ‘golden shower’ on his filthy body. He knew then that this was the woman for him AMEN!! After all, a woman whose piss tastes like Milwaukee’s Best Light doesn’t cum along every day AMEN!!

Although they realize that this joining together means the end of freely groping members of the opposite sex (ogling and leering are still OK), they have resolved to end each future Hash by going home together and getting lucky. AMEN!! AMEN!!

At this time I would like to quote from a book dealing with the pure love a man and woman can have for each other. Insert a reading from some book or other here (something you find in a little storefront shop, with painted over windows). Finish with AMEN!! AMEN!!

[groom] do you take [bride]. to be your wedded bimbo, for better or worse, on the rag or available, on bad hair days and good, through shiggy and pavement, at least until the rabbit dies? (Pause for “I do”, and AMEN!!) And do you also promise to be always sexually satisfying, whether dominant or submissive? (Pause for “I do”, and AMEN!!) And do you also promise to be understanding and supportive of all her whims, unless they interfere with Hashing? (Pause for “I do”, and AMEN!!)

[bride]. do you take [groom] to be your wedded stud muffin, for better or worse, whether clean or covered with shiggy, at least until he starts to need Viagra? (Pause for “I do”, and AMEN!!) And do you promise to be patient and give him all the help he needs to achieve tumescence (that’s a hard-on, for you illiterates), even when it’s frozen from sitting on the ice? (Pause for “I do”, and AMEN!!) And do you promise to aid and abet his Hashing activities, and to provide bail money when necessary? (Pause for “I do”, and AMEN!!) And do you promise to not bring home any blue dresses with cum stains on them? (Pause for “I do”, and AMEN!!)

[groom] repeat after me. I, [groom], (groom repeats words) … promise to love and lust after [bride]. …through good trails and bad…through deserts and swamps…on or off the ice…in tents or in motel rooms…until she can’t stand me any more. AMEN!!

[bride], repeat after me. I, [bride].,…promise to treat [groom] as well as I treat my dog…to welcome penetration at any time or in any place…to keep my teeth smooth…to spit discreetly…and to ensure there is always beer in the refrigerator… until someone better comes along. AMEN!!

The happy couple has requested a double ring ceremony…may I have the rings, please (cheap plastic handcuffs)? These rings are a symbol of the union of [groom] and [bride]. These rings are round, and remind them to do a lot of running around in circles, particularly on trail. As these rings join their bodies together, so does this ceremony join their souls together (not to mention heels and ankles). AMEN!!

May we have a beer for the lucky twosome? (Sing “Why Were They Born”)

By the power invested in me by the [think of something, like the name of the appropriate Hash], I now pronounce you Hasher and Bimbo. You may tongue each other if you so desire. AMEN!!

You may now rise. Hashers and Harriettes, please form an aisle of honor for our happy couple. (pause…I and the AMEN chorus, get at the front of the aisle). Long and Chiquita, please honor us by proceeding down this aisle. Hashers and Harriettes, do as I do. Form an honor guard of beer spewers. As they pass, spew beer (lightly) over them.

WEDDING CEREMONY # 4 Contributed by Slimie Limie, Kobe HHH, Japan

Dearly intoxicated, we are gathered here in the presence of the Pack to bond this hasher and this harriette in unholy mattress moaning. RoxxOff, do you take this harriette for better or for worse, on the rag and in health, on bad hair days and good, to have and to hash with until the sake runs out? (Hasher answers) “I do” Sweet PeeCock, do you take this hasher for better or for worse, in vomit and in shiggy, with his farts and sake-breath, to have and to hash with until he can’t get it up any more? (Harriette answers) “I do” Please raise your wine coolers and repeat after me. With this whine, I thee wed. (Both) “With this whine, I thee wed.” Let’s cut the crap and jump into bed. (Both) “Let’s cut the crap and jump into bed.” By the power invested to me by the State of Drunkenness, I now mispronounce you slave and master. A note for the bonded! (song) Here’s to the bonded,… etc. etc. You may now moon the pack.

WEDDING CEREMONY # 5 Contributed by Half Pipe, Los Alamos HHH

Gulpable: Judge STD: Handcuffer CPA: Bubbles Gams: to give Gulpable the robe Music: Entrance: Stripper music Exit: Taps Dearly Intoxicated, HOLD ON! HOLD ON! CPA hands shot to Gulpable. We are gathered here in the presence of the Pack to bind this hasher and this harriette in unholy mattress moaning. We come to celebrate the end of their wanking ways and to cheer in the joy of sex outside masturbation. TO THE COUPLE: Please state your names and who made you made you cum. OOPS-That’s for virgins, so you definitely don’t have to do that. AMEN!! As I understand it, Smack found Zipper impaled on a parking meter with a big grin on her face. He knew then that this was the woman for him. AMEN!! Although they realize that this joining together means the end of freely groping members of the opposite sex (ogling and leering are still OK), they have resolved to end each future hash by going home together and getting lucky. AMEN!! Smack the Monkey, do you take Help Me With My Zipper for better or for worse, with skinned knees or curvaceous calves, bad hair days and good, to have and to hash with from this day forward or until at least the rabbit dies? Do you also promise to be understanding and supportive of all her whims, unless they interfere with hashing? SMACK: I do. Help Me With My Zipper, do you take Smack the Monkey for better or for worse, in vomit and in shiggy, with monkey wings or textured Trojans, to have and to hash with from this day forward or until at least the rabbit dies? Do you also promise to be understanding and supportive of all his whims, unless they interfere with hashing? ZIPPER: I do. May I have the handcuffs, please? These handcuffs are a symbol of Smack and Zipper’s sentence to life. A life of never ending trails, of shiggy, of whining hashers, of twisted ankles, of explaining to non-hashers what hashing is, of separating hash socks from white socks and most importantly of all, beer and down- downs. To STD: Please handcuff the couple Smack and Zipper, please raise your beers and repeat after me. With this beer, I thee wed. (BOTH): With this beer, I thee wed. By the power invested in me by the State of Drunkenness, I now pronouce you Mr. and Mrs. Help Me With My Monkey. APPLAUSE! You may tongue each other if you so desire. AMEN!! CPA hands out the bubbles.